I guess it's easier for me to deliver what I feels in English .. at least , few can understand right .

how to start this ? 

I don't know and i'm not sure whether UPSET is the correct word to say . to show what's inside me right now . but I know it is one of it . I can't stop thinking why .. why I always give away my relationship with others even though I know i'm fucking love them all . I keep thinking that i'm not good enough for everyone especially for my beloved one . but honestly , I never think of hurting anyone . because I know how hurt affects people and their life . 

this kind of writing makes me more matured . and I hate it . seems that every single thing that I do is fake . smiling , laughing , making jokes .. pretend that everything is going just fine . why ..? that is how life show their way . damn , it's so hard to say this ...

but .. I NEED SOMEONE ! yes I do ! I need you ! I always did .. no matter how far I go , how much money I spend , how many friends I have , how many times I'm smoking , there's a part inside me doesn't feel right . not anymore .. because I had lost you . and i'll be forever in pain ! shit .. no matter how hard i tried to be calm , the truth is I JUST CAN'T ... please come back .. 

I think regret is the right one i'm holding on .. such a waste .. my life is going to be like this till I'm fucking dead .. but that i'm not regret at all . this is what i deserves .. so i'll face it .. till my last breath .